Best Fitties 2013: The Alternative Grammys

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The Grammys are set to take place this evening (10 February), with the music industry’s most talented and famous (along with a few hopeful Z-list types) donning their suits and preparing their faux-modest speeches and even more forced “I am happy for you” claps. While many revel in watching the event unfold, and staying up late on Twitter to tell the world who the hell ‘Bonny Bear’ is, unsurprisingly it’s not for everyone.

It’s not a great shock that those overlooked seem not to like it all too much, but moreover, for all the endless categories announced on the night, there still seems a fair few accolades the organisers have missed out. So here’s our very own fictional award ceremony, the Best Fitties, to celebrate the most weird and wonderful parts of the music biz.

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While formerly a “mix tape” would relate to a collection of soppy tracks one compiled for a love interest when the pennies ran dry around Valentine’s time, nowadays the term – condensed to the singular phrase ‘mixtape’ – has become known more for its context in electronic/hip-hop culture. These days, mixtapes are basically an artist’s debut album. Heck, The Weeknd has already knocked up three releases of which that are better than most musicians’ entire output. And best of all, and thanks to good old Rapidshare, they’re generally free. Artists get publicity, music fans get free things – everyone wins. Oh, except the record labels, of course…

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It’s easier than ever for music fans to keep up to date and in touch with their favourite musicians. While in the past you’d sign up to a band’s fan club or subscribe to their fanzine, now you just ‘like’ them on Facebook. Online PRs must be shaking in their brogues at the thought of their singer-songwriter or bedroom producer ruining their entire well-constructed album campaign with one fell tweet. Just imagine, you spend all day organising for Rolling Stone to have an exclusive stream of an upcoming EP and then the artist in question goes and posts it on Tumblr as soon as they wake up hungover from some debauched after-party. Sometimes, however, following a musician can be great. Like Kanye West used to be before all he did was post links to the new Raf Simons jacket or Alexander Wang bag.

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Due dates mean nothing anymore, do they? The likes of Azealia et al have made delayed album waits like the most agonising pregnancy. But sometimes it’s all worth it when an unexpected release drops right in your lap(top), like waking out of a coma on Christmas Day blissfully unaware of the presents awaiting you under the tree. These past twelve months have seen expected comebacks, as well as those frustratingly overdue (yep, I’m looking at you, Kevin Shields). Oh and then there’s Death Grips…

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It’s just comedy acts like Lonely Island or Tenacious D that fill their music vids with famous faces nowadays. A moderately popular clip uploaded onto Youtube and Vimeo basically get as many viewers as BBC Three or, say, ITV2 nowadays, causing more and more “serious actors” to branch out their filmography to the (very) small screen. A particular favourite recently has been Harry Potter himself popping up in a Slow Club video, tearing up Best Fit’s very own local pub in Finsbury Park. Now, that’s glamour.

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No, we haven’t made an editing flaw here; we mean the kind of album covers and front sleeves that are so good they’re bad. The kind of artwork that stops you in your vinyl stack-flicking stride and makes you buy an unknown album on the spot, solely for the sheer unabashed audacity of its cover. Just think of ‘The Room’ in the form of an album cover, if you will.

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Such is the inane celebrity-led culture we live in, musicians can become more famous for who they know, who they date and for which brands they advertise for. Why else would anybody reading Hello magazine still care what Pete Doherty is doing or ever know who the lead singer of SCUM is. More recently though, there’s been a big surge in the two worlds of music and fashion swiftly morphing into one. Jamie XX soundtracked the Kenzo catwalk for Men’s Fashion Week, they have live DJs in Topshop now and Urban Outfitters have single-handily revitalised vinyl player sales. Get ready to see USB compilations given away free in Grazia, guys, because it’s going to happen.

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Rihanna, above all popstars at the moment, seems to be collecting brand endorsements like kids from the 90s collecting pogs, or children in the noughties swapping Pokemon cards (this analogy could go on for a while, we know). But things went a little too far at RiRi’s recent intimate outing at London’s Forum when the singer shamelessly began to plug companies she was contractually obliged to promote on stage. “Everybody say HTC! Say Budweiser! River Island!” she said sardonically. Is this the shape of punk to come? God help us if so.

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The likes of Axl Rose and Pete Doherty have made music fans awfully suspicious when a band cancels a gig or tour. No longer is it enough to make up a phantom illness or openly admit you began drinking during the support act and are currently unable to pick up an instrument, let alone play it. Nowadays fans either receive the vaguest of excuses, wrapped up in press release jargon (a key word is “exhaustion”), or get told a little too much. Did we really need to know that Fiona Apple was really depressed about her dying pet, or that Rick Ross was too scared of a street gang sending him death threats to hop up on stage. No, just give us our money back, thanks.

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It’s surprising that Shazam haven’t yet announced a tie-in with several U.S sitcoms, such is the frequency of “What was that song?” questions posed on Twitter shortly afterwards. And in a time where it’s as hard to get people into a record store as it is to simply get them from in front of a computer screen, featuring on the soundtrack for a hit TV show is one of the best forms of publicity for a modern musician – and their bank balance. TV is basically the new radio, right? Just 30 years after The Buggles first envisioned it.

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Every music writer knows that all you have to do to invent a new genre is to put two existing words together with a hyphen and try to sound as ridiculous as possible. Soon people will start taking it seriously and you’ll have to disown it and change your name via deed poll just to hide from the shame. Sad, but unfortunately true.

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Voting ends Saturday 16 February, with results announced next Sunday.