Are you too old for Glastonbury?

It’s sold out? Already? Of course it’s sold out, and I don’t mean that in a ’stick-it-to-the man’ kind of way. Clearly Mr Eavis’ latest method of ticket flogging has worked to great effect, and the gradual, trickling leak of headliners has only served to increase that.

There’s something for everyone at Glastonbury: the variety of music is astounding and, combined with the vast collection of street (or in this case, field) art and general mad shenanigans conjured up by the attendees – it makes for one of the very best festivals in the world. The ideal place to shed that city stress and learn how to circumnavigate with the use of a tiny, wet Guardian lanyard.

Unlike 2008, there are to be no hip-hop superstars taking the piss out of Oasis treading the Pyramid stage’s boards this year. Instead, it’s going to be the more traditional, humourless, politically-inspired pop legends of : Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen and Blur…

Oh, I’m sorry – I must’ve nodded off.

After returning from Glastonbury last year, tired, stinking and looking rather like I’d just been shat out of a cow; Michael ‘ye olde King of Glastonbury’ Eavis started whining that too many older people were changing the ‘feel’ of the festival.

Say what? I beg your puddin? Hex-squeeze me? Did you just infer that I is too old to part-ay? Hey, I didn’t know that 30 to 40 year olds weren’t your target audience – I mean – just look at this year’s headliners. Wow! Well they’re just set to appeal to dem mad yoof, yeah?

Now, I don’t care how bad the weather gets down on Worthy Farm, though the rain can make things an awful lot harder when it comes to dancing and generally ‘getting around’ the billion acre site when your wellies are caked in 2 kilos of mud; I’m not bothered that the PA on the main stages can be shoddy (remember the Arctic Monkeys’ headline slot when the sound was only coming out at one side of the stage? Ummm – wooops!); I’m quite happy to use the long-drop toilets and drink beer and cider that tastes like Michael’s flavoured, carbonated piss, but I absolutely refuse – REFUSE to be part of Glastonbury’s problem.

It was great to have Jay-Z headline last year. Amongst the many cow pats of crap that the Eavis’s managed to drop in, here was something so very different – and it showed just how adventurous people with CBEs can be. And then, like Commanders of the Order of the non-existent British Empire tend to, they go and spoil it with witless comments and return to their traditional, aged-rocker fayre – and all in time for all the ‘kids’ who they hope will have bought all the tickets on that new, goofy micro-credit system created to recreate that alleged bygone Glastonbury vibe.

Well, balls to Glastonbury and balls to your stupid, crinkly line-up, Eavis! As exciting as Shangrai-La was, and as brilliant as the fires of the magnificent Trash City were – Glastonbury 2009 sounds like it’s set to be more of the same bleeding bollock-ache of a traipse that it always was. Only, this time, and much like they did to Paul McCartney, the kids you so deeply value will be yelling “You’re shit!” at Bruce Springsteen. Which is, of course, what anyone with at least one functioning ear would say.