All Apologies: Kingsley from The Chapman Family

Who would play you in the movie of your life?

Nicholas Hoult for the early years, Tom Hardy for the main chunk and Malcolm McDowell for the end.

What would your superpower be and why?

I’m not really concerned as to what superpower I have as long as I get to wear a cool outfit like General Zod in Superman 2. Most superheroes are narcisstic jerks anyway and it’s all because their powers are too much for them or daddy didn’t love them enough as a child. I’m doing alright without lasers firing from my eyes plus my dad has always been pretty cool with me so as long as I get to wear something awesome and sparkly I’ll be happy. A bit like KISS infact – no superpowers whatsoever but they look fantastic.

What’s your idea of heaven?

Behind the radiator in Eraserhead.

What one thing have you learnt from your parents?

That manners cost nothing.

What song do you wish you’d written?

David Bowie, ‘Heroes’.

If you could say something to your 15 year old self, what would it be?

Quit that job in the call centre earlier as you’re rubbish at it anyway and get used to the fact that pretty much all of the girls you’ll think are “the one” aren’t “the one”. And don’t buy half the albums you buy during the “New Rock Revolution” of the early 00s as they’re terrible, date really badly and no one wants to buy them on eBay ten years later.

What’s your re-occurring nightmare?

The floor is covered in slugs and the only way out is really far away in the corner then someone comes in and starts to fight you and you try to fight back but even though you want to you can’t as your arms are all sleepy and heavy so you just have to take getting punched for a bit before you wake up.

What song will they play at your funeral?

Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’ as I’m planning to die by saving the world from a massive meteorite and let Ben Affleck marry my daughter.

What five people would you invite to your fantasy dinner party?

Oscar Wilde, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vic Reeves, Sylvia Plath and Mark Rothko.

Who would you most like to apologise to and why?

I once said some pretty nasty things on the internet about the Ting Tings’ proposed second album title Kunst in regards to the confusion that their post-modern usage of the German word for art may cause with a far more terrible word more regularly heard in the workplace, rough nightclubs or championship football grounds when someone does something really bad. I’d like to apologise profusely for that and I was in no way implying that the aforesaid band were in fact in any way the aforesaid offensive word in question.